What I've learned about uncertainty

I often hesitate. I often procrastinate. Actually, the truth is: I have often hesitated, and I have often procrastinated. Only I have done it so many times that it seems more honest to talk about it as a part of both my past and my future. But I don't wanna talk about my future. I know nothing of it. And I certainly don't want to apologize for it on beforehand.

It's scary for me to be on unknown ground. It's scary for me to break habits. And yet I know it's where I want to be: on unknown ground. When I think about it, I am always on unknown ground. I never know what's ahead, not really. It only seems familiar when I take the same route as last time. The boring thing is, those routes get old.

Heaven is never where I left it. It's wherever I choose to find it, wherever I choose to see it, whenever I say "yes" to what is. When I insist on waiting for circumstances to change before I'm happy, I am claiming responsibility for things that are not mine at all.

The only thing that is truly mine, is ... THIS!

Whoooo-hoooo!!!

New day, new possibilities!

Ta-daa!

I lied on my sofa in my living room and started thinking of my latest blog post.

"If I had a heart attack and died now, my last message to the world would be a short complaint about having a cock in my ass."

So I'm back at the computer, writing an upgrade.

Happy Friday, friends!

I guess this is what Karma is

I feel the cock of the world right up my ass and I have a strange feeling I put it there myself.

First week of recording done

We're done shooting the program for this week. It's been fun, we've had a good feeling within the team and the guests have been awesome. Thanks to all of you for coming - Edith, Sonja, Eva, Kim, Ulrika and Magnus!

Here's one of today's guests, Ulrika Bacher, together with André. She's cool. She works in the docks loading cargo and during night time she performs with her burlesque group. She also has a cool blog - here.

And, yeah, I should do something about the camera on my mobile phone.

Little Wednesday

That's the name of our tv program.

Wednesday is called Little Saturday here in the Nordics (maybe elsewhere too?) as an excuse to make it a day for drinking. The show is broadcasted on Tuesday night, which obviously is ... Little Wednesday.

We start filming tomorrow. I am excited. Calm as a bowl of soured milk, which actually is an expression in Swedish. What's wrong with the cool cucumbers, you ask? Well, first of all, we're milk folks. Second, we don't keep our cucumbers cool around here. We put them elsewhere.

Working on a surprise

Right now (well, yeah, except while I'm writing this) I'm working on a surprise.

I love to prepare small surprises. Happy surprises.

Oooooh. My ideas rock.

Keeping up appearances

You so own me sometimes.

When I've been lazy, it sucks to write a blog post. "Hey everybody, I've done absolutely nothing and I haven't even had the intelligence to enjoy it. Can you please like me anyway?"

"Rembrandt has nothing on this"

Hannele's comment on my drawing tonight. See why I love her?

YLE - Public broadcasting in Finland

I just read an article (in Swedish here) about the funding of the public broadcasting company YLE in Finland.

The Swedish-speaking party in Finland, SFP, wants the media fee (which funds the activities) to be high enough not to give the broadcasting company management an incentive to drop the Swedish-speaking activities for economic reasons. I get that, totally, because the party sees it as its obligation to object every time something might threaten the public Swedish-speaking activities in officially bilingual Finland.

The are two problems with this situation for me.

First, the party. The party officials are afraid that they are neglecting their duty unless they object every time. The problem with that, is that people who object every time are a pain in the ass. They become reactive, at least considered as such, and the community needs builders. Everyone knows that a Swedish-speaking representative will support public services in Swedish when the time comes. But it is not the most important thing in society today and the party needs to show the Finnish-speaking majority that they know that.

Second - and more important - YLE, the Finnish public broadcasting company. It seems to me that we, the people, have lost track of what it's all about. The funding, which today is collected through compulsory tv licences, is considered a nuisance, a part of the system to be worked around.

That sucks. Let's forget the fees for a while. Let's pretend that YLE does not exist yet, that we are just starting to think about the idea of public, not-for-profit, media. Now, here are some things I want and most dictators don't:

I want someone working me, whose task is to keep the society transparent and make it more so.

I want someone working for me, bringing me the news unaffected by corporate or power interests.

I want someone working for me, explaining - not how I should vote and consume - but instead how the current financial system works, so that I can vote and direct my money accordingly.

I want someone working for me, who asks anyone but the spokespersons.

And yes, I want someone who buys comedy-documentaries portraying Swedish-speaking cartoonists in Finland. Thanks for buying ours.

This is whom I want to hire for the job. I don't want my paying for it to be connected to the possession of a tv set and I don't want supervisors poking around asking if I've paid my fee -- I want to have a cool magnet to put on my fridge and a digital one that I can put on my blog. And I want to buy some merchandise for my company, showing we support a transparent community.

An anal probe on my desk with the YLE logo would set the symbolics right.
 

Ariel and David from Argentina surfing my couch

I had the pleasure of hosting Argentinian brothers David and Ariel for three days. They are traveling Europe together after David finished his four months as an exchange student studying law in Amsterdam.

I had a great time in their company. They are intelligent, open, curious and very warm people. Now they are off to Rovaniemi to catch some nothern lights.

See you again, friends!

Here's Ari on my couch (well, actually the couch is my friend Kim's, but it's in my living room ...)

Back in school

This week I started taking an evening class learning graphic design and web design. I want to be able to make my ideas visual quickly and get them out of my head.

Addiction and the Anger booth

I consider withheld emotions to be one of the main causes of illness and addiction. When I stop an emotion - be it anger, joy or sadness, I stop my natural flow and pressure starts to build in my body. Why do I do it?

This is the question on my mind after participating in the morning show "Min morgon" (My morning) this morning on FST5 - a public tv channel in Finland, which broadcasts in Swedish.

My role is to be a returning guest on Mondays every now and then, until they give me the sack. Every weekday on the show has a different topic and the topic for Mondays is health and well-being. I know a lot about that shit, because I've lived next door most of my life.

This morning we talked about smoking and addiction. Addiction is one of the most interesting topics I know, because it seems to be a part of many people's lives - it's a big part of mine, for sure.

Addiction, to me, can be described as my own personal recipe for self-medication of anxiety, anger, sorrow, boredom or any uncomfortable feeling I might find myself in, or feel approaching. I am addicted to feeling safe, to finding relaxation when the voltage builds up, and the methods are endless:

Smoking, using snus (Swedish-style tobacco, which is placed under the upper lip), coffee, sugar, movies, smoking pot, kissing, screwing, masturbating, cuddling, running, screaming, drinking booze (not for me anymore since my pancreatitis 3 years ago), shopping, reading magazines, watching porn or taking the same familiar route to wherever I'm going. A few to get the list started.

For me, my curiousness lies here:

What happens if I don't self-medicate? What am I trying to achieve or prevent? Can I relax in that feeling of not knowing what will happen if I go on without having my fix? What if I start shaking? What if I break down and just cry? What if I go nuts and explode? Can I do it without putting the anger on someone else? Is it at all possible to be in a state of pure rage without being hostile towards others?

It is possible. It just looks weird. And it feels fantastic.

And that is why we need this: I call it the "Kiukku-koppi" (something like "Anger booth" in Finnish). Lets place them all over town and lose it. The big windows are important for entertainment value:

Friday check-in

I've procrastinated writing. I've felt split between many moods, waiting for clarity to arrive. Anyone seen it lately? It seems clear that this weblog won't have a red thread for some time, so maybe it's best just to write from where I stand. Sometimes I have clear vision, see cool solutions everywhere and feel like a responsible man in the world. Five minutes later I feel like complaining about not being massaged by naked chicks while eating chocolate watching Most Shocking Police Chases on tv.

Well.

In 5 minutes I'll drive to the airport to pick up Ariel and David, two couchsurfers from Argentina. They'll hang at my place for three days. Couchsurfing is great. Check it out.

What a good day!

It's been a good day. It's nice to able to write that without talking out of my ass.

Me and André planned the interviews for our tv show and it was a beautiful winter's day in Helsinki. Check out the magnificent trees on the photo below while you're ignoring the dusk, the Sovjet-style lighting and the black used-to-be-snow crap in the street:

 

We also bumped into some friends - here introducing: Kocken, who is #1 on my list of people I bump into in cafés in Helsinki. He is actually living the "what-if-I-could-hang-around-in-cafés-all-day-and-still-make-a-living" dream that I've pursued all these years:

Wanted: Web service for factories closing down

I just read a news article about the foresting company UPM shutting down 3 factories in Finland and laying off 830 people (you can read about it in Swedish here).

That reminded me of several stories I've read, where the workers have bought the down-shut mills and factories and succeded in making them bloom.

If I were king, I'd create a web platform for these about-to-be shut-down factories, where the personnel, the local community and folks with money can collaborate on how the factory can get a new life, while the know-how, the infrastruture, the heads and the hands are still around and kickin'.

Dear followers

Hello dear (ex-)followers!

Sorry for killing you!

I remade the blog to fix the bug I've been nagging about earlier. Unfortunately I could not see a way to do this without losing the subscribed followers - so welcome to rejoin and please receive my apologies for the extra work.

Thomas

The source of everything

If everything in the world comes out of something else,
like an apple comes out of a tree
Then the original source of everything needs to be one and the same
For if there were many sources
- where would they have come from?

Now, if this one source was there before anything else,
then this source is beyond time

And if this source is beyond time,
then it is still present in everything

This means

You are an apple

... and I'm gonna have a bite!

End of the weekend

This is T time. The end of Sunday. This is the time, when one good thing is supposed to be woven in to another - even nicer - thing around the corner: Monday Morning.

Go fuck myself?

Anywho, that's my task right now - to make Monday morning the highlight of the week. When that's done, things are pretty fine. If I succeed, I'll tell you all about it. And if anyone has done it already, don't hesitate to hook me up on how.

Cheerio!

Friday. Yej!

Just came home from YLE - the public broadcasting company here in Finland - for whom I'm producing a tv show together with my friend André. André is a professional comedian and kind of famous around here. We sat in the archives watching old stuff, which we're trying to turn into new stuff for the show. It's fun to do. It's watching tv and feeling like I'm doing something.

It's the second season we do and this time I'm more laid back, because I know what I'm looking for. Last time it was more of keeping a straight face while hoping we get there in the end. And it's fun to work with André, because he's a really funny guy with a good heart. That's a nice combo.

The sirens in my heart

When the sirens of war start screaming over the city, everything changes. Snap.

Every pen drops. The whole society changes direction. Snap.

The passenger ferries turn into mine ships.

The food factories start making food for the soldiers.

Everyone, not one person excluded, knows what is important and what is secondary. Everyone changes their lives just like that. Snap.

What if everyone, in secret, made that kind of shift - for something good. Without telling anyone ...

A conspiracy for love.

*shhh* ...

Snap.

äh

I'd like to write but I have nothing to say and I'm irritated. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Back in Suomi

That's my Mini right there, outside my window. I like the snow and cold right now. I grew tired of disliking too many things that kept on turning up anyway. And the white's nice.

I'm feeling pissed off about not finding a solution to my comments thing. Have to work something out. As both Peppe and André have it working, and I''m a bigger nerd than they are, unless they're sneaky with the techiness, I feel like I am not making progress.

Well anyway, here's the secret message for today:

.

Arrrgh!

Ok still in Tenerife, just leaving for Finland and -20C. Which is ok, but still sucks.

A more urgent issue, however, is my not being able to activate comments to be visible on the main page on this blog. I've spent some time trying to figure i out and I haven't. Which of course, in my world, means that every single person on Blogger and Google is a fucking moron, who should lose their jobs, and should be replaced by lovely people like me, who understand the key features of things and who are soft, empathetic and humble.
I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS!!!!!!!!!

Fucking fucking fuck! I hate it when I can't get it to work! Anyone?

Postcard from Tenerife

Hiya. This has been my morning view for almost a week now. I am in Tenerife with my parents, my brother Andreas, his wife Jonna, their baby daughter Amelie and Jonnas sister Janina.

This is a family hotel, so there are one million kids of varying charm with parents attached.

It's been a very laid back week. I've spent my days eating and hanging out with my parents, which is the best 'cause they're the best, walking the beachwalk looking at people, smoking funny cigarettes I bought from a guy who sells watches on the beach, and chatting online with Hannele, whom I lovelovelove to spend time with. Love you hansulainen! Love you mom&dad&bro&co! Love you friends!

Right now ...

I dedicate the year 2010 to xxxxx xxxx.

I wrote a sincere post with a list of what I dedicate this year to, but then I decided to cover it with x:s. Better this way. Better not to talk first and do later. Better to dream and do.

I will instead publish it as the last post of this blog on December 31, 2010. God willing and so on.

Happy 2010 friends - and greetings from Tenerife! I'll join my parents and brother's family down on the beach now. Told them I'm coming "right away" about an hour ago.

I dedicate this year to xxxxx xxxx.

xxxx xx xxxxxxxx xx xxxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxxxx xxx x xxxx xxx.
xxxx xx xxxxx xx xxx xx xx xxxx, xxxxx xxxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxx xxxx xx.
xxxx xx xxxxxx xxxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxx x xxx xx xx xxxxxxxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxx xxxxxxxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxxxxx xx xxxx xxxxxx xxxx xx xx xxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxxxx xx xx xxx xxxx.
xxxx xx xxxxxxx xx.
xxxx xx xxxxx.
xxxx xx xxx.
xxxx xx xxxx.
xxxx.