Monday, January 18, 2010

Addiction and the Anger booth

I consider withheld emotions to be one of the main causes of illness and addiction. When I stop an emotion - be it anger, joy or sadness, I stop my natural flow and pressure starts to build in my body. Why do I do it?

This is the question on my mind after participating in the morning show "Min morgon" (My morning) this morning on FST5 - a public tv channel in Finland, which broadcasts in Swedish.

My role is to be a returning guest on Mondays every now and then, until they give me the sack. Every weekday on the show has a different topic and the topic for Mondays is health and well-being. I know a lot about that shit, because I've lived next door most of my life.

This morning we talked about smoking and addiction. Addiction is one of the most interesting topics I know, because it seems to be a part of many people's lives - it's a big part of mine, for sure.

Addiction, to me, can be described as my own personal recipe for self-medication of anxiety, anger, sorrow, boredom or any uncomfortable feeling I might find myself in, or feel approaching. I am addicted to feeling safe, to finding relaxation when the voltage builds up, and the methods are endless:

Smoking, using snus (Swedish-style tobacco, which is placed under the upper lip), coffee, sugar, movies, smoking pot, kissing, screwing, masturbating, cuddling, running, screaming, drinking booze (not for me anymore since my pancreatitis 3 years ago), shopping, reading magazines, watching porn or taking the same familiar route to wherever I'm going. A few to get the list started.

For me, my curiousness lies here:

What happens if I don't self-medicate? What am I trying to achieve or prevent? Can I relax in that feeling of not knowing what will happen if I go on without having my fix? What if I start shaking? What if I break down and just cry? What if I go nuts and explode? Can I do it without putting the anger on someone else? Is it at all possible to be in a state of pure rage without being hostile towards others?

It is possible. It just looks weird. And it feels fantastic.

And that is why we need this: I call it the "Kiukku-koppi" (something like "Anger booth" in Finnish). Lets place them all over town and lose it. The big windows are important for entertainment value:

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